Miss Woman O'Sphere .... Neo Naturists at the Alternative Miss World 2026 Gaia Edition

Umbilical cords and sequins

“I know our umbilical cords are meant to be recycled , but I haven’t worn tights for thirty years …. “ Not a sentence I’d ever imagined myself saying, not a sentence the other passengers on the 243bus had ever imagined hearing. 

I was on my way to meet Christine Binnie for the time honoured tradition of shopping in Soho to prepare for a Neo Naturist performance. This was high profile  - the Alternative Miss World at the Open Air Theatre in Regents Park and this year’s theme was Gaia.

We meant to keep it low key and simple, reminding each other that we’re ‘not as young as we used to be’ but low key went out the window pretty quickly when I started researching Gaia the primordial goddess and mother of all life.  The plan was that we would be born from chaos, then give birth to the sky during daywear. For swimwear we would give birth to the ocean , then as a grand finale give birth to the underworld in evening wear. The contest was started  by the amazing artist and jewellery maker Andrew Logan in 1972  and we’ve been competing since 1981. It’s  subversive beauty pageant inspired by a visit to Crufts dog show with a carnival atmosphere. 

Miss Woman O’Sphere , our alter ego, would have about 3 minutes for each section of the epic creation story. We were really pleased with the plan, but we now had to bridge the gap between our vision and reality.

This trip to the body paint shop is not just a tradition, it’s how it all begun.

Neo Naturist Origin Story

Forty six years ago, Christine had come to my studio at St. Martins Art College as a life model. We were allowed to hire’ personal models’ for ‘special projects’. I’d done a huge action painting in drippy oils taking in the morning, which was good but didn’t seem particularly special. We stopped for lunch, picking up some whelks and rollmops from a fish barrow and taking it to Soho square. She asked if I minded going to but some props for an Easter performance at the Blitz club with fashion designer Iain Webb - he wanted white body paint to for a New Romantic crucifixion tableau. I wasn’t bothered about getting back to ‘work' - artists know that inspiration can strike at any moment and must be nurtured.

When I walked into Charles Fox inspiration struck like a cartoon lightbulb above my head.

Body paint !!!!!!! Flickering images went through my mind sixties flower power mingled with films from aboriginal initiation rites my parents took me to as a child. ( they weren’t big on Disney cartoons and suchlike)

This seemed more like a ‘special project’.

I bought some body paint, booked a photo studio and asked Christine to come back to model again the following week, not realising that this special project would still be going four decades later….

But here we are in Kryolan buying bright Gaia green paint for day wear and earthy red ochre for the Sussex serpent in evening wear. As it’s Gaia inspired we had meant to use entirely recycled props, but I’d cracked for red and blue tights for the umbilical cords during the birth of the mermaids. I really hadn’t worn tights for thirty years so I didn’t have any to recycle, but maybe I was being a bit of a fashionista and couldn’t bear to wear American Tan nylon on stage, even if it was symbolic.

He Whose face gives no light, shall never be a star

We don’t usually rehearse but as we are performing complex manoeuvres with parachutes, and we need to get the other Neo Naturists (Jennifer Binnie, Jill Westwood and Kath Campbell) up to speed with the birth of the universe plan. We do a walk through near William Blakes grave in Bunhill fields, appropriate as our last entry into Miss World was Miss Golden Threadbare, based loosely on his philosophy. The first parachute is a sky blue silk number Christine found in an army surplus store, then there’s an enormous orange silk banner we found in a skip just before our very first cabaret…. it was probably the most striking feature of the show, apart from Diana Dors eating banana, but that’s another story.

Born from Chaos

Starting with chaos should come quite naturally to us…. The Neo Naturists were born from chaos - like Gaia emerging from the primordial darkness, we emerged from the confusion of art students lost in the post punk void. We became part of the New Romantic scene, but soon rebelled against the rebels, and created our own subculture within the subculture. 

We come on stage whirling around underneath a huge blue parachute Christine had bought at an army surplus store ‘in case it came in handy’. The venue is an open air amphitheatre and heavy rain is flooding the stage so chaos was easy to achieve but we had to make sure it didn’t go too far and end up with us slipping on the wet floor and ending up in a writhing heap. We were using the set of Giving birth to the heavens is an uplifting experience and we yell The sky is Born, for any audience members who haven’t kept up with the plot.

Mermaids are a Neo Naturist classic, going back to our Sexist Crabs cabaret in the 80s, so an obvious choice for swimwear. Christine is on crutches so she is mother Gaia, and I’ve done my back in so I’ve opted for a caesarian. I watch the others crawl through her legs with painted  mermaid tails and wriggle like sea monkeys as she bites through the American Tan umbilical cords. I may be biased I think this is probably the closest thing the audience are ever likely to see to real mermaids being born. 

We only have fifteen minutes to glam up for evening wear, but we’ve anticipated this and I’ve been up till all hours of the night sewing sequins on my old undies  - cause nothing says Underworld like a sequinned bra. Accessorised with junk shop bling collected over the years and red ochre serpents, we// This before in rehearsal  carry on the orange parachute we found in a skip 46 years ago and used for our very first cabaret. Now decorted with body painted serpent.

The Manosphere is crumbling, the Womanosphere is rising. is our answer to every question.

and our message to the world.

What the Bathwater gave me

Then it’s over and the deserving winner is the fabulous Miss Fiontasia. Euphoria ensues golden glitter covers the stage and we’re all delighted because Fionatasia was our favourite to win, apart from ourselves of course..…

However much you say you don’t care if you win, would you really go to the effort of giving birth to the universe naked in the pissing rain if it wasn’t somewhere in the back of your mind that you’d lift the trophy? Did Eddy the Eagle go to the Winter Olympics without ever imagining standing on the podium?

The afters party is the following day and I have a bit of a post show crash when I realise the bar is closed. Now I have to trudge across London in the drizzle with a suitcase full of body paint and bling I’ve got no beer and I can’t go to bed until I’ve washed. 

I cheer up when I remember there’s a 24 hour Sainsbury’s next to my flat. 

As I lie in the bath drinking beer and watching Gaia’s green foliage, my mermaids scales and the Sussex serpent dissolve into the bath water I think:

Okay, we didn’t win, but we didn’t compromise and we’ll always be a bit extreme for some of the judges. Maybe the Neo Naturists winning the Alternative Miss World would be like a wolf winning Crufts.

Unlikely…. but not impossible….. Maybe next time!